• Julian__Sunnyvale
  • Julian_conky
  • Julian_stealing
  • Julian_Sunnyvale

Julian is king of Sunnyvale Trailer Park. He’s the man everyone looks up to, comes to for protection, and hides behind when things get fucky. Julian’s upbringing was rough – abandoned by his parents, he was brought up by his grandmother in her trailer. Grandma was fond of a little drink or two, and would drive around the trailer park in her battered old New Yorker in a state of intoxication. Little Julian followed Grandma down the path of the Liquor, and became hooked on rum and coke at the age of six or seven. Nowadays he’s rarely seen without a glass of it in his hand. Three seconds of rum, two seconds of coke, a coupla ice cubes: Julian’s perfect mix.

It was Julian’s idea to invite the documentary crew to Sunnyvale. Convinced he was going to die after consulting a greasy phone physic, Julian decided to document his life in the hope people might learn from his example. Those greasy fucking camera dicks have been around ever since.

With his tight black t-shirt and muscular build, Julian looks tough as fuck. He can handle a gun and knows how to hustle. But he also has a heart of gold, and looks out for Bubbles and Ricky like a father. But who’s looking after Julian? His love life has been complicated – he once hooked up with a sexy lady called Candy, and even invited her to move in with him, but she left him when he went to jail. Then there was shy Christian missionary Tanya (or “Cinnamon Roll fuckin’ Head” as Ricky called her) who turned out to be a greasy, dope-stealing fraudster. His relationship with police officer Erica Miller was going great, until she had to arrest him for hustling stolen barbeques. Julian’s biggest admirer is park supervisor Jim Lahey, who refers to him as “Sexian”. Julian has not returned his advances.

With his tight black t-shirt and muscular build, Julian looks tough as fuck

Bubbles also claims that Julian is obsessed with Patrick Swayze and the movie Dirty Dancing. Bubbles’ psychotic puppet Conky once taunted him with the rhyme “Oh my Julian, my handsome Julian Patrick Swayze, you were so fuckin’ sexy in Roadhouse and fuckin’ Dirty Dancing…” until Julian shot Conky’s head off. Don’t fuck with Julian.

Julian’s biggest passion is business – and money. His various money-making schemes have had varying degrees of success. Julian has sold propane to park residents, operated a casino, strip club and a “Rub ‘n Tiz’zug” massage parlour, bootlegged dirty old Russian vodka, and has orchestrated various robberies, thefts, and extortions – even stealing kiddies’ Christmas presents from mall parking lots. Failure of these operations often comes down to Julian’s less than smart choice of accomplices, including Ricky, Bubbles, Jacob, and the two biggest fuck giraffes in the dumb-dumb salad – Cory and Trevor.

Julian’s dreams of “Freedom 35” and retiring early have yet to materialize. But don’t worry, he’s been doing some reading, and has come up with a new business plan. It’s not gonna fucking fail this time, boys…